Hopes and fears

In an ideal world we’d all be care free and content with who and what we are.

It’s no wonder that women these days are permanently paranoid about our looks when we are force fed images of younger, toned and tanned bodies with perfectly whitened teeth grinning at us from newspapers and websites.

Even worse is the knowledge that no matter hard we try, our bums are never going to look that good in a skimpy bikini and even if there was a shoe horn involved who’d want to see it any way?

I’m not bad. To be honest I like what I see in the mirror. I have kind open eyes and still have a youthful face. I smile a lot and I feel pretty three weeks out of four. My body is no longer a size 10 but i can cope with moving up a dress size seeing as I’ve managed to grow life inside of me and pushed 2 human heads through a hole the size of a 50p piece.

My husband married me and when he tells me I am beautiful I believe in his words so why do I feel like at times I should grab the nearest paper bag and shove it over my head? Sure, I could go for a bit of a whiter smile myself and boozing isn’t necessarily my most attractive feature but we all have our vices don’t we?

I guess what I’m saying is that my 40s are rapidly gaining on me. My body and looks will give way to my age some day and it terrifies me.

Will my husband love my wrinkles, will he still want to touch me when gravity takes its toll on my assets and does it hurt to become old and potentially unattractive?

My biggest fear is being without the love of my soul mate. A real fear, way more intense than the occasional jealousy stirred up by a pretty girl that might catch his eye from time to time.

So mother nature if you can hear me, please be kind to my ageing body and if you must take my looks away from me then please adjust the eyesight of my better half accordingly.

 

 

From cradle to console

I am, according to the virtues of my little ones a ‘noob’.

So I’ve checked the noob hand book and apparently this requires me to be the butt of all the kids jokes and Queen of all things derpy. (whatever that means)?

There’s a whole new language I’m being exposed to that makes absolutely no sense if you happen to be over 10 years old

Boss fights, pros, noobs and derps seem to be the way to go and some square headed pixel guy called Steve seems to be a permanent feature in our home.

Yep. They’ve gone from cradle to console in the blink of an eye and no matter how much I want them to stay little I know it’s time to let their personalities expand so they can, at some point be confident, independent humans.

Watching them playing together is a blast. Occasionally I’ll pick up a games controller in a feeble attempt to be a ‘cool’ fun mam but they get bored of my slow ‘noob’ techniques and don’t hold back on telling me either.

I prefer to watch from the side lines if I can. Their fine motor skills are rival to a seasoned concert pianist and they have become great negotiators and conversationalists. These are the moments I adore and the tantrums of frustration that used to shatter the equilibrium are a distant memory as they each take on their ‘pro’ roles in the gaming world.

I wasn’t always going to embrace their love of all things virtual or ‘techy’. I fiercely defend the need for the tangible.

Good old fashioned books will always be my first love but in curing my technophobic ways I have learned to accept that life moves quicker than when I was a child. There is more desire now for material items and status doesn’t happen unless you can draw on the strong skills and values they are developing through play.

Maybe I do have a place in my heart for computers. After all there’s a great deal they do for us every day.

Isolation nation.

I’m 37, 3 kids, a wonderful husband and a dumb dog who won’t give me a minutes peace so what happened?

It’s not that I’m unhappy with my lot, its just that somewhere along the line, life and family stuff made me a bit of a bore and now I’m alone…a lot!  Too much dwelling has gone on recently. The kids have social events lined up for months, Hubby is at work, even my mother has an invite to the mayors ball for goodness sake while I get to stay at home watching my weird dog lick his own genitals on our sofa. To put it bluntly I’m a little shellshocked! It wasnt so long ago I was double booked for ‘nights out’. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed. Noticing I’m getting older and wondering who will be there at my wake, picking through the quiche and sausage roll crumbs, sharing stories of my great achievements after they’ve carted me off to my final resting place?

I mean, I can hardly go sit on the swings in the park addressing people by the colour of their clothes nowadays. (“Hey! Green top! I like your trainers! What’s your name”?) Can I? Endearing at 6 years old but likely to get me in trouble on many levels really. Plus I’ve had it with know- it -all kids. Seems I know nothing about how things work at all and as I’m no longer needed by my little braniacs I need to learn how to find some good people to laugh with before I turn in to a mean old woman.

If I become a slave to loneliness I’m done! My identity will have been lost forever. 

But I’m not done! This coming year I have vowed to reinvent myself! Reconnecting with old friends and confidently reminding the world that I have loads left to give. Using my skills to help people, maybe even writing the children’s books that I have created characters and story boards for. This coming year I can bring them to life and share them with you.

 

Get With The Guilt!

Okay, so none of us are perfect are we?

There’s a weird old world out there and I’d bet my life that no matter how educated, wealthy, spiritually minded or blessed you feel, you still catch yourself looking at the greener grass wanting just a little more.

Great! If you can admit that then you can congratulate yourself on being completely normal. We all do it. It’s human nature and without a little natural envy we probably wouldn’t achieve much so don’t let anyone hold you back from climbing right over that fence and getting exactly what you want from life.

Pat yourself on the back right this instance. The art of self affirmation and self worth are the corner stones to feeling good. It’s okay to love yourself. It’s vital!

Maybe like me, you were simply born with a rusty old ring pull in your throat instead of a silver spoon but you had learned to climb a tree by the age of four in ‘hand me down’ jeans without caring that you resembled a reject from a 1970s charity shop?

Bet it didn’t harm you!

To go without something is the greatest opportunity to create something even better.

Nothing was ever just handed to me and that made me strong in my body and mind. As a scruffy little tomboy my imagination created fantasy worlds where I could escape from monsters or even make them gobble up my enemies if  I was feeling angry. My adventures won me the friends who I remember the most and the determination I learned from being left to my own devices has been a valuable gift that has never let me down.

I learned from an early age that if I wanted something I had to make it happen. No one cares how much you want it but they’ll be mighty impressed when you’ve got it.

Happiness is there for all of us. No matter how we look at it. Find it, take some and spread it around a little. It’s easier to achieve what we want when we believe in ourselves.

 

New beginnings

 

So the day has come for me to introduce myself at the start of what I hope will become a hugely positive journey of self discovery.

I won’t claim to be the funniest or cleverest person on the planet. I’m young at heart and itching to rediscover the brutal honesty and wit that made me shine out not so very long ago. I really hope that by sharing I can make a difference, make someone smile or help even one equally screwy human to get back in touch with the little inner kids we suppress whilst passing ourselves off as ‘grown ups’.

And so…. a little bit about me.

Im a 30 something woman, wife, mother and daughter and proud of every blood curdling scream or tantrum that I’ve ever had thrown at me. Without my beautiful kids and their constant stream of crazy  I would never be able to look at my own behaviour and consider myself sane.

I have my awesome husband who puts up with my ever changing moods and my ability to switch personalities in the style of a manic Jekyl and Hyde character and we all fit together nicely in our dogs house!  He’s my inspiration for all of this! (my husband not my dog of course) He’s my inspiration to find new ways to share and learn. To look for and find every bit of happiness that’s out there. To grab it and to spread happy thoughts as far as I can get them to go.

I hope that you’ll come with me on my adventure and that we’ll become good friends.